I'm scared. And, like every other time I've ever been scared, I'm fully aware I shouldn't be. I don't need to be scared. It's stupid. But I am.
Why, you ask? Because I think I really do love her.
Not the cute leave-her-Facebook-comments, either, although that is a part of it. It extends beyond even just being sad when she's offline. I mean, real love. Like, have-a-family-and-grow-old-together love; stay-up-late-with-her-if-she's-sick love; feel-better-just-from-her-voice love. And it scares me.
Love isn't scary. It shouldn't be, at least. I know that. And I know that there's no reason for me to be scared, because it's normal to feel this way about one's girlfriend, isn't it? Even if it's a bit soon, it's still not incredibly weird to actually love your girlfriend.
I guess needing someone like this is what scares me so much. I need her. I don't know what I'd do without her-- I can't remember what I did do without her! It's just weird. I can't sleep if I don't tell her goodnight. I've practically memorized her schedule so I know when to check if she's online. I think about her almost every second of every day, wonder how she's doing, if her day has been going well. It's actually quite pathetic.
She says she wants to be the first thing someone thinks of when they wake up in the mornings and the last thing they think of before they fall asleep. I wonder if she's ever considered that maybe she is already.
31 August 2010
10 August 2010
I have a blog?
And again, I come back from a disappearance...
To tell you absolutely nothing!
Well, very little in any case.
Alright, let's get this thing done.
1.) Love: Wow. I just... wow. I never thought that I could possibly have a real, meaningful relationship with anyone. But now, somehow... I do. I guess it's just weird after always hearing about how love is supposed to make you feel, then all of a sudden... I didn't know things like this were possible. I mean, we've been together not even two weeks, and she makes me so happy. I thought that people who felt like this were stupid. I didn't think it was ever going to happen to me; I told myself that I was done with this, that I didn't need it. But I'd be lying if I said I wanted it to end. She's smart and amazing and beautiful, and she can quote like a thousand movies, and everything about her makes me smile to myself like an idiot. She's brilliant and funny, and she turns me into a broken record. I don't know what to do. I just want to be with her, maybe forever. It's against all common sense and logic, but I can't help it.
There's just a couple issues. (Aren't there always?) First of all, she doesn't exactly live close by. Not even in the same state. But somehow that doesn't bother me. I mean, I've never been one for long-distance relationships. Ever. I've been in one or two before, but I couldn't handle it. And now, even though being apart from her kills me, I can't not be with her. She makes me feel worthwhile. Second, I don't know how to tell my family about her. It's not fair to ask her to be a skeleton in my closet; it just isn't. But on the other hand, I'm terrified that I won't be able to talk to her if I do tell my parents. I couldn't do that. I need her. And the thing is, she makes me feel better about myself than they ever have. She always tells me how great I am and how proud she is of me. When was the last time they did that? Is it so wrong to want to be with someone who makes me happy-- truly, undeniably, completely happy-- for once in my life?
But that's life, isn't it? In any case, she makes me happy, and being with her makes me happy. For now, I think I'll be able to survive with just that.
2.) School: Not a lot to say here. Did pretty well (okay, really well) on my AP tests this year-- straight 4s, for Physics, US History, and Language and Composition; and then a 4 last year in World History. And now I have a 5.03 GPA. So I'm pretty pleased. It could've been better, if I hadn't slacked off the last quarter, but I have to admit that I was really, really, really tired.
3.) Taekwondo: This past Monday (yesterday, at the moment) I moved into the advanced class. I'm all kinds of sore. And yet, somehow, I'm exceedingly happy. I've never been athletic or coordinated, so to have succeeded at this is rewarding in ways I hadn't thought it could be. It's something that I've stuck with somehow, so I guess I'm a little bit proud of myself. And possibly a bit conceited.
Anyhow, I think that's all the recent events in my life. So yeah. Funstuff.
To tell you absolutely nothing!
Well, very little in any case.
Alright, let's get this thing done.
1.) Love: Wow. I just... wow. I never thought that I could possibly have a real, meaningful relationship with anyone. But now, somehow... I do. I guess it's just weird after always hearing about how love is supposed to make you feel, then all of a sudden... I didn't know things like this were possible. I mean, we've been together not even two weeks, and she makes me so happy. I thought that people who felt like this were stupid. I didn't think it was ever going to happen to me; I told myself that I was done with this, that I didn't need it. But I'd be lying if I said I wanted it to end. She's smart and amazing and beautiful, and she can quote like a thousand movies, and everything about her makes me smile to myself like an idiot. She's brilliant and funny, and she turns me into a broken record. I don't know what to do. I just want to be with her, maybe forever. It's against all common sense and logic, but I can't help it.
There's just a couple issues. (Aren't there always?) First of all, she doesn't exactly live close by. Not even in the same state. But somehow that doesn't bother me. I mean, I've never been one for long-distance relationships. Ever. I've been in one or two before, but I couldn't handle it. And now, even though being apart from her kills me, I can't not be with her. She makes me feel worthwhile. Second, I don't know how to tell my family about her. It's not fair to ask her to be a skeleton in my closet; it just isn't. But on the other hand, I'm terrified that I won't be able to talk to her if I do tell my parents. I couldn't do that. I need her. And the thing is, she makes me feel better about myself than they ever have. She always tells me how great I am and how proud she is of me. When was the last time they did that? Is it so wrong to want to be with someone who makes me happy-- truly, undeniably, completely happy-- for once in my life?
But that's life, isn't it? In any case, she makes me happy, and being with her makes me happy. For now, I think I'll be able to survive with just that.
2.) School: Not a lot to say here. Did pretty well (okay, really well) on my AP tests this year-- straight 4s, for Physics, US History, and Language and Composition; and then a 4 last year in World History. And now I have a 5.03 GPA. So I'm pretty pleased. It could've been better, if I hadn't slacked off the last quarter, but I have to admit that I was really, really, really tired.
3.) Taekwondo: This past Monday (yesterday, at the moment) I moved into the advanced class. I'm all kinds of sore. And yet, somehow, I'm exceedingly happy. I've never been athletic or coordinated, so to have succeeded at this is rewarding in ways I hadn't thought it could be. It's something that I've stuck with somehow, so I guess I'm a little bit proud of myself. And possibly a bit conceited.
Anyhow, I think that's all the recent events in my life. So yeah. Funstuff.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)