“You know, when you said you had a monkey, I thought you were making a racist joke,” Esryn said, his voice muffled and his face hidden behind Rafael.
“I’d wondered why you laughed…”
Esryn slowly peeled the monkey off his face, but he couldn’t seem to detach Rafael’s hands from the rings that were strung through his brow. “Kavo,” Esryn whined, “Get him off.”
“Alright,” Kavo groaned. He leaned over to pry Rafael’s tiny fingers off, but he seemed quite determined to hold on; his screeching alone was enough to attest to that. “Ugh, c’mon, just… Raf, please…”
Finally, with one last screech, Rafael released Esryn’s face, slipped through both men’s hands, and scampered off. The damage was done, though: Esryn and Kavo sat staring into each other’s eyes, faces mere inches apart.
“Kavo,” Esryn whispered. “We really… shouldn’t…” The words were cut off as Kavo kissed him so adamantly that Esryn fell back against the bed. Kavo felt the familiar warm metal rings against his lips; he’d once stared at the sterling silver piercings with trepidation and distaste, but that had long faded. Even so, he’d never imagined that he’d have them pressed against any part of his body the way they were now. More importantly, he’d never imagined that he would initiate such contact.
The door slammed.
Kavo jolted and sprang off of Esryn, touching his fingers to his lips. Had he really just done that? And who had seen them?
“I’m sorry, Esryn,” Kavo muttered. “I still can’t be with you. I don’t know what I was thinking; it’s just… sexual frustration.”
“I figured,” Esryn breathed. A moment passed before he said, “Damn, you do know how to kiss, though.”
Kavo wanted to thank him for the compliment, but he was too lost in thought. Someone had seen them. Would they worry that Kavo was a traitor? No one knew what Esryn was really like, and no one knew the strong bond between them. They wouldn’t understand how Kavo’s say-so could alter anyone’s perception, let alone the perception of the captain of a government airship. They wouldn’t see that Esryn was different than the others.
“Kavo,” Esryn breathed.
“Yeah?”
“You know that if you want a fling…”
“Yeah. Yeah, I know,” he said. “I don’t. It’s not that I’m afraid of things changing, Es, but it’s just… you’re you, y’know? I’ve known you since we were twelve. Sleeping with you would be weird.”
Esryn grinned, still lying on the bed. His dark blue hair was strewn across the bed, shining under the lamplight. Kavo knew it to be softer than it looked. He knew that if he wanted to get back into things, Esryn wouldn’t stop him; he knew that Esryn would likely encourage it.
But the thing was, Kavo didn’t want to get back into things. Esryn was nice, exotic, sweet, and had the best abs that Kavo had ever seen, but Kavo wanted someone else. He wanted Hawk. He wouldn’t settle for anything less.
“I’m sorry. I should go explain things to whoever saw us…”
“It’s okay. I understand, Kavo; you’ve got another man. Doesn’t hurt my feelings any.”
Kavo snorted. “Your feelings don’t make me feel any less guilty.” He leaned over and brushed his lips against Esryn’s again. Esryn sighed and kissed him back, but it remained light and chaste; it was hardly romantic at all. “Sorry.”
“No problem.”
Kavo kissed his hand. “Thanks for always sticking with me.”
“Really, Kavo,” Esryn said, “This isn’t necessary. Now go and sweep your man off his feet, would you?”
“I knew you were my favourite for a reason.” Kavo kissed his cheek. “Tell you what, when we finally go home, I’ll make damn sure Laed finally gives you a chance.”
“Thanks. It means a lot, Kavo.”
“Hey, it’s the least I could do.” Kavo squeezed Esryn’s shoulder as he stood. “Wish me luck. Hopefully I’ll return with all my major organs intact.”
Kavo headed out. He hoped that Esryn was okay with everything because he really liked having a true, long-term friend onboard, but he knew how hard rejection could be. Even if Esryn had no romantic feelings for him— which he was sure was the case, seeing as Esryn and Laed had loved each other for as long as he could remember—he had led Esryn on without even realizing it.
He wondered if Esryn felt anything like he had felt when Hawk had done much the same thing.
Hawk. Was it Hawk who had walked in on them? That was the only person who made sense; anyone else would have knocked before walking into a room that didn’t belong to them.
Well, fuck.
Kavo spotted Hawk sitting against a wall. He had another stone out, and he was muttering something to himself. The pathetic sight did very little to make Kavo feel better about his actions.
“Hey, Hawk.”
Hawk stopped his mumbling, but he didn’t look up. “I had thought that you were a different sort of person, Kavo.”
“I am.”
“No, you are not. You do not care who you love, do you? People like you… it is sickening.”
“Hawk, you don’t get it. Esryn and I have known each other forever. That kiss, it was just a kiss. It didn’t mean anything.”
“That is your problem. Kissing should be much more personal than that.”
“And it usually is!”
“You kissed me,” Hawk reminded.
“Yeah, and I loved every fucking second of it.”
“…whatever. I do not care for your excuses.” Hawk stood and brushed past Kavo, bumping against his shoulder. Kavo closed his eyes and tried not to shudder at the electricity that coursed through him at what should have been considered a rather inane and unexciting touch.
Kavo knew then. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was in deep. He was in love with Hawk.
What to do about it was the bigger question.
Sighing, Kavo guessed he’d go back to Esryn. Maybe a night’s sleep would clear up whatever sickness he’d contracted. He had to cure it somehow, because it was glaringly obvious that Hawk was far from considering him as a partner in anything, let alone love.
Becoming Esryn’s next fling was beginning to sound more and more like a good idea. There would be no strings attached. There would be no feelings involved.
It would be a huge, fake lie.
Kavo couldn’t do that. He knew that Esryn was used to it, and that oftentimes Esryn preferred it, but he couldn’t do that to him; Esryn had been his best friend at one point in time, and Kavo loved him like a brother.
Even so, it was hard to deny that he was lonely. His hand had been forced to suffice for far too long. He wasn’t sure what it was, but something that Hawk had done to him had made it hard for that to be enough. He’d never cared so much for physical affection at all, except for maybe when he was young in the Academy, when he’d gone through puberty. But other than those couple of years, Kavo had never been so desperate.
Hawk had far too much power over him. If only Kavo could make him see for a moment what he wanted and how much he meant it. Then things would be okay. If only Hawk would take a moment to understand, then everything else would fall into place; he was sure of it.
For the first time in his life, Kavo found himself overcome with envy toward Esryn. Esryn could touch and kiss and fuck anyone he wanted, and still Laed loved him without a doubt. Kavo, on the other hand, couldn’t get Hawk’s attention for anything.
He heaved a heavy sigh and turned back. Might as well tell Esryn that he was a horrible, miserable failure.
The second he entered the cabin, Esryn bolted up in the bed and asked excitedly, “How did it go?”
Kavo shook his head. “It didn’t. I think he fucking hates me.”
Esryn tilted his head sympathetically. “That can’t be true, Kavo.”
“He said that people like me sicken him.”
“…okay, so maybe he does hate you, but it ain’t the end of the world! C’mon, there are other fish in the sea.” Esryn grabbed his hands and pulled him onto the bed. “One of you will come around.”
Kavo cuddled into his friend. He hated this sort of thing; he hated how Esryn made him vulnerable and cuddly and like a child’s toy, but he never had been able to stop it. Something about Esryn tore down all his walls.
“Es, what about you and Laed? Neither of you have come around yet. You’re both still in love with each other, but you act like you’ll never get together. Hell, last I knew, he was pretending to hate your guts.”
“That’s not true,” Esryn murmured. “Sometimes he says hello to me now.”
“That’s my point. What if we end up like the two of you? Es, I don’t want to be another bad example.”
“Thanks. Really. You know how to warm a man’s heart.”
“I’m just saying! Maybe I’m not cut out for romance. It’s not like I was ever really good at it back in the day.”
“Yeah, you were pretty hopeless… that’s not the point, though. Kavo, you have to chill. Don’t worry about everything so goddamn much.”
“I can’t help it, Esryn! Fuck. He’s gotten to me. I mean, he’s gotten to me bad.”
“What are you saying?” Esryn asked slowly.
“I’m saying I think I’m in love now.”
“Wow. Kavo Dula, in love. I never thought I’d see the day. Since when are you even capable of emotions?”
Kavo hit him, managing a shaky laugh. “Don’t be an asshole.”
Esryn hugged him tightly. “It’s okay. You and I, lonely losers forever, right?”
“Right,” Kavo murmured. He tucked his face in the crook of Esryn’s neck and closed his eyes tightly. A nice long sleep was what he needed now. Esryn seemed to understand, and he only let Kavo snuggle with him as needed.
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