What to Do?

I'm so confused. I just don't know what I want anymore. My head's been spinning and I can't figure anything out. I just don't know.

I have a pretty okay life. I live in a house and I keep furry cute things and I have people in my life I can call friends and I have the best girlfriend in the world. I don't know why I'm upset.

No. I do. But I don't know how to say why I'm upset without offending anyone.

But this is my blog, isn't it? Fuck offense.

I'm upset because I'm happy. Does that make sense? No. It doesn't. I know it doesn't. But it's the truth. I'm upset because I'm happy, and I don't know how to *be* fucking happy. I know how to pretend I'm happy. I know how to fool people into thinking my life is perfect. I don't know what to do now that it is. I mean, it isn't, but it is in all the ways that matter.

The thing is, I've been truly happy maybe twice before: when I was a child and once, in October last year, when I thought everything was going perfect. I think that's part of it-- the timing, I mean. It has been almost exactly 11 months since I began to feel like my life was over. And then she came along and she ruined that whole hating myself routine. I just don't know what to do.

I don't know if I can be the person she thinks I am. That sounds like I lie about myself. That's not what I mean. She thinks I'm some brilliant, funny, beautiful person, and I'm not. That's what she deserves, but that's not what I am. I have mood swings and I'm all but bipolar, and I feel like I'm out of my fucking mind half the time. I overreact and I don't like to even be near human beings. I'm cuddly, but I don't like to be touched, which is stupid. I don't want her to see all these imperfections and not think I'm the best person she's ever known, because I don't know what I'd do.

I need to lie to myself and say it will all be okay. I want this time to be different. But how do I do that? How can I change all this about me? I don't know if I can.

I'm sorry. I really don't deserve you. But another one of my faults? I need you too much to let you go.

Sleep? Pleeease?

School is already killing me. I heard something the other day that I'd like to share: "You know you're an AP student when your cumulative GPA is higher than the number of hours of sleep you get each night."

Well. My GPA is 5.0. And let's just say that yes, this is true most nights. It's sad. But I'm not home enough to actually do homework before it's late, plus I have to shower and eat and babysit, and then after all that I just want to sit and talk to my wonderful girlfriend. So by the time I get around to doing my homework, it's usually going on eleven.

So as you may have guessed, lunch has become official homework hour. But even then, I do end up staying up late at night to do homework. Now, I just want to pass out. I want to sleep. And it's a Friday, so I should be able to, dammit. Right? Wrong. I'm babysitting.

However, it's worth it. I got paid for it today. Fifty dollars. All of that will be going toward my trip to San Francisco this spring. I can't wait; I'm so excited! Seeing California is going to be amazing. I hope I like it as much as I think I do.

So, this went from sleep to nightly rituals to spring trips. I think that means I really am tired.